What if this is it?

Something happened to Indi this weekend. She can’t walk on her back leg. We saw Dr Simpson on Friday and learned Indi has a small tear in her ACL on her rear left leg. All my stress about Indi, her mopeyness, her lethargy, not wanting to go to the bathroom, washed away. I was relieved the problem was manageable, if not curable, and it was so nice to see Dr Simpson and have her to talk to.

Indi started anti-inflamatories and was better Saturday morning. Sunday morning as I was walking her back upstairs after taking her outside to potty (which she didn’t do) she was wobbling all over the place. I had to help her upstairs. She has never struggled with the stairs like that before. And while the small ACL tear is on her left leg, it is her right leg that she suddenly can’t use.

So she can’t walk. And I’m sitting here, eyes swollen from crying all night, thinking about all the things I could/ should have done.

I should have posted more.December 1st was Indi’s 3 month ampuversary and I never wrote about that. I still haven’t written about Indi’s new homeopathic regime with Dr. Loops. I didn’t update her diet on the nutrition blog. I don’t go on the forums enough….

I should have taken more pictures of Indi in her cart. I have this great one of me and Indi on the first day she rode in her stroller, but I took it with my phone and I can’t put photos on my computer from my phone without Brad’s help and I didn’t want to bother him. And after her first ride the stroller wheel broke and this week they sent us a ramp instead of a new wheel!

I shouldn’t have moved in to the gallery. What if the stairs did her in? I can’t believe Indi has survived cancer and now she might be taken down by torn ACLs. It is so unfair. I thought I was fighting cancer, here. I didn’t even think about her hurting herself because she was doing so well.

I wanted her to be one of the success stories, one of the heroes who lives for a year with osteosarcoma, instead of the bleak 3 to 6 months.

All my sadness boils down to one thing: I am not enough. I didn’t do a good enough job of taking care of my dog. I know my friends and family and the wonderful Tripawd community will tell me this is not true. But I also know you have all wondered the same thing. Am I good enough? Am I good enough for my dog?

About indi

Raina is Indi's mom. She is 30 and lives in Portland, Oregon. Raina was 22 when she got Indi and her heart broke when Indi was diagnosed with osteosarcoma. Today Indi and Raina are living life one day at time. Things sure look brighter with a supportive Tripawd community.
This entry was posted in One day at a time. Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to What if this is it?

  1. coopsdad says:

    yes you did do enough. no one person can anticipate every single thing that will happen. you are not being fair to yourself. We are sending thoughts and prayers your way.

  2. Carmen (Caties Mom) says:

    Oh dear. Although I haven’t posted on your blog until now, I have followed Indi’s story.

    I can tell you’re feeling utterly lousy and guilty and you’re right, I’m going to tell you it’s not true what you’re thinking about not being good enough. Round up all those should-a’s and toss them in the bin where they belong.

    You and Indi are lucky to have one another. Seeing her like this is beyond awful. Sending you lots of good, healing wishes and praying for the best for Indi.


  3. nstephenson says:

    You are totally good enough. So few people would have even done the amputation, much less all the follow-up. You are an awesome Mom to Indi. There is absolutely no question about that.

    Sometimes bad things just happen. My James is very, very sick. It’s not the cancer. It’s something else. I wanted our 12 month ampuversary too. I don’t think it is meant to be.

    I know that you have done your very best. And I have loved reading your blog.

    I am sitting here waiting for Dr. Tripp to call and I feel sick to my stomach. But, again, we each do the most that we can.

    Nancy (James’ Mom in Seattle)

    • indi says:

      Hi Nancy, Thank you so much for your note. While neither of us want to be in this boat, I take comfort in knowing I’m not the only one in pain. And Indi’s health problems are not cancer, either! (I’m about to post the latest health update.) Which feels SO unfair. I’m thinking of you and little James tonight.

  4. Leslie says:

    Oh my gosh! Please don’t say you didn’t do a good enough job of taking care of your Indi! I have read her blog everytime you’ve posted. I’ve read your stories and how much she means to you, and everything you have done with/for her. You have done EVERYTHING for your friend. And, truth be told, if it’s excusable for you to say you haven’t taken care of your pup, then I’d have to say that I haven’t done enough also because my Roxy hurt her back, left leg 8 days ago. Neither of us need that guilt, and neither of us can take responsibility for things outside of our control. As heart breaking as an injury is, you don’t control that.

    My heart breaks for you guys. I felt the same exact feelings over the last week. It’s so horrible and unfair that after all she has fought, this happens. Please, just take a deep breath, get her back to the vet, and continue to take care of Indi…the way you always have. You two can make it through this just like you have the last three months.


  5. maggie says:

    OMG girl…my heart hurts for you 🙁 As you know, yes, we will tell you, that you’ve done all you can! You’ve done your best!!! I know all full well it’s tough to not beat yourself up…but….sometimes we have no control over things. SHIT just happens at times.

    There are braces that she could use on her rear leg(is it both ACLS?) for support to avoid surgery and to conservatively manage her ACL injury. Google Orthopets or Woundwear..those are two that I know of…

    PLEASE don’t beat yourself up!

    Tracy, Maggie’s Mom

  6. admin says:

    Please stop shoulding on yourself, you are way good enough!

    We didn’t post nearly enough during our travels with Jerry, simply because we were spending the time focussing on loving life with him. And, you can never have enough photos.
    When Jerry had his “partial” ACL tear after his amputation, his acupuncture session made a noticeable difference and the Bella’s hot/cold pain relief pack eased his pain.

    As for the title of this post – forget what and tell if to take a hike! We hope Indi makes it over this hurdle and you can continue to enjoy every moment together… taking more pictures along the way.

  7. jerry says:

    Raina, I know what you mean, the guilt that humans have is inescapable. There is never enough of whatever to a human, that is their biggest fault.

    No matter what happens in the days ahead, know that today, right now, this very moment is all that matters. Make it the best that it can be, and live in the spirit of dog.

    That’s all that matters to Indi.

    Keep us posted OK? We are thinking of you.

  8. Lyndon's mama says:

    There really isn’t anything anyone can say that will really make you feel better, seeing a loved one take a turn for the worse is one of the saddest parts of life. But please don’t blame yourself. Indi has had a good life because of you, she made it those three months because you were willing to pay for a surgery a vast majority of people wouldn’t even have considered paying for, and you took care of her when she needed you the most.

    If this is it, then just remember that our furry friends don’t have the same notion of death that we do. And there are tons of memories for you to hold onto. Pictures are great, but they don’t even closely compare to the memories.

    Whatever happens, enjoy all the time that you have left with Indy, whether a few days or many years. Give her as much confidence and love as you can. Dogs live for the here and now, so make those moments count as much as you can. Thats all that matters to her.

    You and Indy are in my prayers.

    • indi says:

      Thanks, Lyndon’s Mama. I liked your note’s honesty. It sounds like you have been where I am. I appreciate all the support from everyone wishing Indi a speedy recovery, but I also need reassurance that if we are getting close to Indi leaving, that is okay, too. Where do we draw the line? How far do we go?

  9. fortisdad says:

    First, I just want to say how sorry I’m that Indi and you are having to deal with this. Secondly, please don’t feel guilty. You have been a wonderful mom, nurse, and most importantly friend to your sweet girl. I understand guilt very well. Just a short couple of weeks after Fortis’ amputation I was encouraging rough house play during a rare snowfall here in central Texas. Fortis was all about playing rough but on this day his remaining rear leg didn’t tolerate the extra weight when jumping. Fortis suffered a partial ACL tear as well. It wasn’t pretty to see him this way, unable to get up, nor to hear him express his pain. But was it my fault. I don’t think so. Sure, I could have done things differently and wish I had. But as Tracy said, shit just happens sometimes. Thirdly, don’t give up hope. I don’t know how bad Indi’s tear is but hopefully it can be managed. Surgery was not an option I would have chosen. That said, with a lot of luck Fortis has done very well for over 10 months now. He has re-injured his knee multiple times during this period but the knee has never ruptured. Our vet didn’t feel a brace would work for Fortis. The help-em-up harness (we have been through 3 of them) has been irreplaceable in providing pelvic support.

    I hope this is just a bump in the road for Indi. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  10. Ginger says:

    Raina, you have been a great mom to Indi. You have done all you could for her treatment, and most important of all, you have been by her side loving her unconditionally. Please don’t give up hope, because we haven’t. With any luck that tear will heal and she will be up and about in no time.

  11. indi says:

    Thank you everybody for your love and support. You will be happy to hear that I am not beating myself up as much as I was this morning because I now know what is going on, and it is such a freak accident of nature that I could not have predicted or prevented. (See the latest post.)
    Like Rene said, the only way to live from here on out is in the moment, like a dog lives. So now I’m going to log off, put on a movie and snuggle up to Indi, and let the belly rubs session begin. <3 Love, Raina & Indi.

  12. etgayle says:

    raina, we’re just now catching up – jumping to the next post to see the findings, but please PLEASE know that there can be no stronger love than that which you and indi share. indi does not doubt your love, don’t do a dis-service and doubt it yourself. you are doing your best, the best possible.

    charon & gayle

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *